Divorces and separations are generally better for everyone concerned if they are handled tactfully, respectfully, and without conflict. Conflict leads to delays, stress, and higher costs.
While there are few “rights” and “wrongs” when couples separate in New Mexico —and some disagreements or difficulties should be expected—certain steps can reduce the chance of conflict that saps time, energy, and money.
Let’s look at some tips for discussing divorce with your spouse so that you both have a better chance of moving on with your lives as stress-free and peacefully as possible—even if your spouse doesn’t agree with getting divorced.
5 tips for a more amicable divorce…
Most divorcing couples would rather have an amicable split than a contentious or bitter one. With this in mind, here are a few tips for raising the topic of divorce with your spouse to minimize any negative impact it may have…
Lead up to the initial discussion…
The decision to divorce is rarely made on the spur of the moment—nor should it be. Marriages take time and should not simply be thrown away at the first hint of a problem.
In many cases, the decision has been agonized over for a long time. It often helps if you have had a chance to discuss the possibility of divorce before the “final” divorce discussion comes up—this can reduce the shock element.
Think about when and where to have the conversation rather than just mentioning it in anger at the wrong moment. Broach the subject by saying something like “We need to discuss the future of our marriage” in the days before. Then, make a convenient time when you can both focus on the discussion without distraction.
Choose your words carefully and be prepared
Words can cut like knives. Though it’s necessary to be truthful and direct, it’s rarely necessary to be cruel or unkind.
The spouse who decides to leave a relationship has already thought about it and had time to digest the decision. To the other spouse, it may come as a shock, which can prompt an emotional or angry response—even lashing out physically or verbally. Be prepared for this and try not to react emotionally or in anger as it could make matters worse. Being calm but confident is generally the best approach.
Prepare what you are going to say and your answers to the likely questions or objections you may receive.
If you are concerned about a dangerously angry response from your spouse, you could arrange to have the conversation in a public place or for a trusted friend or family member to be present.
Focus on “I” and “we” rather than “you”
There may be a temptation to point fingers or blame your spouse for the problems that have resulted in your decision to move on. However, the initial divorce discussion is not the best time to raise those issues.
While your spouse digests what you are telling them, focus on why you want to leave the relationship rather than what he or she has done wrong. “I feel that I need to move on” is better than “You’ve never made me feel like it was going to work”, for instance. If people feel threatened or blamed, they often defend themselves like wounded animals.
Listen to your spouse’s responses calmly and without interrupting, Then, state your position again.
Put the children’s interests first
Nobody stops being a parent when they separate or divorce. During the first “divorce discussion” and in all matters that follow, thinking of the children and putting their interests first will set the tone for what follows.
If you can convince your partner that getting angry or emotional is not in the best interests of the children’s well-being, some important ground rules can be set. Also, reassure your partner that although the relationship with you will change, the relationship they have with the children remains the same. Discuss with your partner how you will tell the children if it is the right time to do so.
In New Mexico, the “best interests of the child” is the standard used in all matters concerning children, such as child custody cases. Get into this habit during conversations with your spouse.
Work out the practicalities and be prepared to separate
It is often best to have made arrangements for a physical separation before having the divorce discussion. This is more complex if you have children as moving out of the marital home may not be the best option.
Taking the kids and going to stay with a relative may be an option but could be neither practical nor desirable. If your spouse doesn’t want to leave the home either, you will need to work out a solution between you if you have not already arranged things—so be prepared to do this so that you can begin the separation as soon as possible.
No-fault laws allow divorces even if your spouse doesn’t agree
If you have decided on divorce, your spouse can’t prevent it—but can make things a lot more difficult, slow, and expensive.
New Mexico’s “no-fault” divorce laws mean that either party can request a divorce because the marriage has broken down—without having to prove any wrongdoing. There is also no minimum separation period before a divorce can be granted, as there is in some states.
So, the divorce discussion is, ultimately, to inform your spouse of what will happen rather than ask for permission. The process is rarely straightforward but if you remain focused, committed, and calm, by the end of the conversation you should be in a position to start the legal process of moving on with your life.
What happens next?
After informing your spouse of the divorce and, potentially, starting the physical separation, you can begin the legal process.
It’s advisable at this stage (if not before) to speak to a seasoned divorce lawyer who will be able to guide you through the months ahead and protect your rights. There are many decisions to make that could affect your future, especially if you have minor children together and/or have accumulated considerable assets during the marriage.
If the divorce is uncontested, it should only take 2-6 months to complete. Contested divorces can take considerably longer.
Plan for divorce with us…
If your spouse doesn’t want to get divorced, you should expect some rough moments as he/she gets accustomed to the idea. However, divorce becomes easier with the right planning and guidance from an experienced family law attorney.
For advice on your legal rights, responsibilities, and options during a divorce, book a consultation with a divorce lawyer from Legal Solutions of New Mexico or call us at 505-445-4444.